Barclays stunned the city and defied economic gloom today with increased profits of up to £3bn. Industry insiders are pinning the success on a revolutionary “payback” strategy.
The strategy is based on pioneering business theory that bank profitability is maximised by lending money to customers that can actually afford to pay it back. Kevin Brubaker, the Professor for Moneyology at the Institute for Studies has been credited with crafting the research.
In contrast to the stuffy “traditional” banking model whereby banks give money to feckless layabouts and junkies to piss up the wall on flat screen TVs, pokey flats in Clapham and holidays to Benidorm, Professor Brubaker has conclusively proved that giving money to those borrowers with jobs and business that provide regular cash flow and a proven record of repayment can boost repayments by up to 100%. “Put simply, the aim of banking should be to get back loans plus interest in order to make a profit” said Mr Brubaker at a recent conference, “I know it sounds radical but this crisis really means we need to re-evaluate the old order whereby banks made profits mainly from the taxpayer and look at banks actually funding bonus payouts through commercial activity”
The approach seems tentatively welcomed by the public. “He’s totally right, I mean you should see what happens round my way” said Gary, 23 of Islington, “the banks literally just spray tax money around. Northern Rock actually used to have a big cement mixer type truck. It would come round on Wednesdays. The men would politely knock on doors and ask if the owner was employed or had any assets. If they said no, they would shove a big pipe down their throat and start piping money. At first they would retch and protest but after the first few gallons of money went down they’d eagerly start sucking like a small squealing piglet on a teat and begin thinking about perhaps getting a little buy-to-let place in the Dordogne.”
The controversy over the new research continues as Barclays’ competitors feel the pressure to compete. LLoyds have announced the key strategic acquisition of a large hole in the Scottish Highlands where they plan to invest large amounts of money in a heap. Insider sources have been tipping that one of the other major banks is about to announce a new “money-bazooka”, based on military technology that can deliver a 125% mortgage directly to a benefits recipient at approximately 100 metres per second.
The government has responded with its’ usual incisive and astute appraisal of the situation. At a press conference, hurriedly convened after this news broke, the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was heard to say ‘Er…well…’, before being rushed off to an emergency real ale summit in Burton-on –Trent, to try and reconcile some over-zealous riot policemen with a group of somewhat disgruntled peaceful protestors.
Alistair Darling summed up the government response by confirming that ‘(the cabinet) are completely behind Gordon – so much so that, hopefully, no-one can see us’.
A government spokesperson said later: ‘It’s no good if only the rich are spending money, because there are not so many of them – poor people must spend as well’. It is well known, in political circles, that both Labour and the Tories believe that the poor cannot be allowed to get richer as it would leave them with no-one to blame; for things like crime, unemployment and the over-use of Lycra in this country. ‘Its no good controlling how many kids poor people have or doing too much to encourage them back to work – their intrinsic poorness leads banks to throw money at them, so that they keep spending and fuel economic growth’, the spokesperson said.
Of course, this means continuing to build our economy on hot air and waffle, tying us into a never-ending boom-bust cycle, but as Gordon Brown said at a recent think-tank meeting: ‘…everyone knows that sustainable growth is unsustainable, long-term, but it must be our goal. These regular economic changes, along with other major incidents, like the odd war, create tension and excitement and encourage voters to change parties every so often’.
David Cameron is thought privately to agree with this notion. An inside source said: ‘…we need change: no party wants to be in power all the time. The periods in opposition provide respite and an opportunity to relax, make a few superficial changes and build new contacts to shaft the country with – you know; fiddling expenses and taking backhanders – once back in power. I mean’, he continued, ‘we wouldn’t want to be poor, would we?’
Meanwhile, the government is keen to talk to Mr Brubaker with a view to installing him as chief economic adviser to Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe’s new coalition government and will be giving his report a full appraisal to be headed by Lord Hutton, which should ensure it is never seen again.
